Changes...

I've neglected this blog, yet again.

When I started this blog, I was a newlywed (sort of) who was having trouble conceiving. Then I was a woman having trouble staying pregnant. This was meant to be my place to "talk" to hear my own voice, since I didn't really have any suitable "ears" to listen. When I was pregnant with Amelia, I started a separate blog for our families and intended to use this one to vent. This blog sort of fell to the bottom of my priority list. Last year I had a renewed interest to bitch about the various crappy situations in my life. And then I stopped blogging.

In short, I started this blog to complain. Even though I really never had readers, just getting everything out was supposed to be therapeutic for me. Since I've stopped blogging here, I've experienced more crappy situations. I no longer felt the need to complain, though. I discovered that bitching about things just made me feel worse. I thought that getting everything out would take all the negative out of my head and heart and I could move past things. Quite the contrary, it ended up making it HARDER for me to move on. It was like having a "living" memorial of all the shitty things I've said/done/thought. And I didn't feel better, I felt worse. Bitching doesn't solve anything. If it doesn't make you feel better getting it out there, what's the point?

I'm not big on resolutions, but I made a change of heart and attitude in the new year. I decided to stop taking a passive role in my own life. There are things I'm not happy with, and I need to either accept them or change them. The biggest change is that I'm making myself a priority.

In the past 2 years, I've had a baby and become a part stay at home mom/part work at home mom. I no longer go into an office to work. It's nice, but I work ALL THE TIME. If I'm not working, I'm playing or taking care of Amelia. Then I work some more. Most people get to work set hours and leave work at work, and lead (basically) 2 separate lives - work life, home life. I don't.

I am a mom, wife, attorney...but who AM I??? I've spent the past few years taking care of everyone else that I've lost myself. I realized that it is OK for me to take time for myself without neglecting my family, without feeling guilty. I am important, too. And if I'm not happy with myself, I'm not being the best mother and wife I can be.

I made a commitment to myself...I joined Weight Watchers. I've had several bouts of anorexia throughout my life, but had been gaining steadily since 2002. I gained 27 pounds when I was pregnant, quickly lost it all by 2 weeks post partum, but gained almost all of it back. Alex & I joined a gym, but it was hard for me to find time to go. When I rang in 2010, I immediately cut out regular soda and started making a concious effort to control my portions and eat a little healthier. I also spoke to a dear friend who had super success with Weight Watchers about the program. It sounded like exactly what I needed...I need structure and guidelines.

I lost 10 pounds before starting WW, just by cutting out soda and watching what I eat. Yeah, I guess I drank a lot of soda. I've been on WW for 7 weeks (this upcoming Sunday) and I've lost 10 more. I also go to the gym AT LEAST once a week, mostly 3 times a week. I make myself make time...I deserve it.

Overall, I REALLY like WW. It makes me take responsibility for everything I eat and do. I also like the recipes, and Alex seems to as well. I'm not trying to lose a set amount of weight, I just want to be healthy. And I know losing weight will not solve everything, but it is a start. A BIG start.

So this blog is going to focus on my weight loss journey. And, while I can't guarantee that I won't complain here or there, I will focus on positives. I'm still looking for who I am, but I know being negative is not who I want to be.