I shouldn't have complained...

Alex's project ended today.

We knew it was going to be a short project, but they said 2-4 months. More like 1 month. I suppose we should have seen it coming - they were zipping through, running out of docs left & right. It could be worse...he's getting paid for 2 weeks and he's eligible for unemployment. And it (in a weird way) takes some pressure off me. I can actually work during the day now.

But the money was nice.

So now we're back to job hunting and worrying. It's a darn good thing that we're frugal (most of the time)! At least our "standard of living" won't change much.

On a totally unrelated note that I can also file under "Oh Shit" ... Amelia is officially taking multiple steps at a time. We will have a full-fledged walker soon, I'm sure. I may never sit down ever again.

Irrational Phobias & "Breakthroughs"

I have a lot of irrational phobias. I know they are irrational, so that makes me less crazy. :)

I've always had a fear of someone breaking into my house. Not really sure why. I frequently make Alex wake up and walk through the house at random times during the night to make sure no one is in our house. He's a sport about it.

But the most frustrating phobia I have stems from another one. The underlying problem is that I'm afraid of something bad happening to me. This seems to have intensified ever since I found out I was going to be a mother. I like to think this is a "normal" phobia. The irrational part is that I'm TERRIFIED to go anywhere by myself with my daughter. In the (almost) 12 months she's been here, I've taken her out solo MAYBE 4 times.

What am I afraid of? I'm afraid of being kidnapped (or her being kidnapped) or car-jacked, pretty much. The whole being-in-a-public place with her is fine, it's the getting-out-of-the-car-and-into-said-public place (and then the reverse action) that freaks me out. It's time consuming to get her strapped into her carseat. I feel extremely awkward and clumsy making the transition from stroller or cart to car. I just can't even EXPLAIN this phobia, it freaks me out so much.

It's a really embarassing phobia, I feel silly being afraid to take my daughter places. I think the only person who knows this fear is my husband. And he tells me I need to get over it. I agree - I really do.

A group of moms on a board that I belong to had a get-together at the Zoo last week. I really REALLY wanted to go. But I was super terrified - the Zoo is so busy and so far away (it seems!). Fortunately (???) my daughter slept in and we missed the opportunity to meet them. Luckily I didn't have to face my fear, or make up an excuse. :( I'm so lame.

Anyway, with our new schedule, I am home alone with Amelia Mondays and Fridays. Actually just Mondays...my mom is also off on Fridays and she likes to spend the day with us. So I'm home alone with Amelia on Mondays. I love my daughter, but it'd be nice to be able to take her places to make the day go by a little faster!

Today, I sort of faced my fear and took Amelia to Kohls. We were only gone about an hour, but baby steps. I survived. I still felt awkward and clumsy getting her into the car, but I'm sure it'll get easier.

At any rate, I had a small breakthrough. We'll see if it lasts. :)

Changes

I don't do well with change. I kind of thrive on having a routine. Yeah, having a kid kind of disrupted things, but even we have a routine so it's all good.

Alex started a new job at the beginning of August. It's a temporary thing, similar to what he's been doing, and it's only 6 minutes away from our house. I should be really happy. And I am...well, I'm mostly happy. But this causes things to change.

The biggest change is that we've lost our "daycare" provider, so to speak. Fortunately, my dad is retired and loves spending time with Amelia, so we're not totally up a creek. But I feel bad having him watch Amelia 5 days a week (even though when he "watches" her I'm there the whole time...I change her diaper, fix her bottles and her meals, etc...but that's a whole other vent-able story), so I've made some changes to my work schedule.

I'm still trying to work 40 hours a week, but now I have Mondays and Fridays "off". Off is in quotation marks because I actually work at night when Alex gets home, but I spend the day with Amelia. Tuesday - Thursday we're at my parent's. Even with working 10 hour days Tues - Thurs and working Monday & Friday nights, I still have some hours to work on the weekends.

So basically, I am working ALL.THE.TIME. Ugh. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that Alex has a job, but I am tired.

Momma needs a vacation!!! :)