Hungry

I'm hungry.

For the past 2 days, I've been super hungry. I'm not doing any extra activity, not eating less than I usually eat. I just don't get it. I'm not craving "bad" foods, it just seems like I can't fill myself up.

I'm hoping this passes soon.

GOAL +!!!

Hello. I may need to re-introduce myself. You see, I've undergone quite a transformation. It appears that I am a contradiction - I don't look like myself, yet I look more like the Artist Formerly Known As Jenn. I now weigh 42.5 pounds less than I did at the beginning of 2010.

It is such an awesome feeling! I am wearing clothes I haven't worn in 4 years (I don't feel so silly for holding on to them now), and enjoy shopping again. Oh, and I wear skirts and dresses now! It's so unlike me. :)

On the other hand, when I hear compliments about how good I look, even though I still have more to lose, I reminds me of just how BAD I must've looked before! I feel so embarassed about how far I let myself go.

I know I shouldn't dwell on the past and just focus on my journey. But it's hard.

Regardless, I'm moving forward. I've decided that I want to lose 10 more pounds...anything more than that would be the icing on the cake.

Some comparison pics:

My beautiful family, almost exactly a year ago, at my daughter's 1st birthday party. Pretty much my heaviest weight.

A few weeks ago...sorry, I thought this was rotated.

Father's Day 2010. In my new dress.

-34.5

I've been busy.

Florida was a blast! I actually did really well sticking to WW on vacation. I came back about 7 pounds lighter! Not only did I meet my 20 pound goal, I surpassed it. I was extremely happy. Of course, spending every day at the pool and beach chasing around a toddler helped my cause. :)

For the most part, I've just been sticking to the plan. I haven't been to the gym since before vacation *blushes*. That's partly because I haven't made time to go, and partly because we came back from Florida with a toddler going through a MAJOR separation anxiety phase. Being in an unfamiliar place really messed her up. She's getting a little better now, but it was so bad that I couldn't even leave her to take a shower!

Anyway, in the past 2-ish months since my last post we've been through a big life change - we moved. We actually had a scary situation hit a little too close to comfort with the family who owned the condo that we rented, and when they decided to sell, we seized the opportunity to break our lease. Due to the short time-frame we were working with, we moved in with my parents. This will allow us to save money to buy a house in the meantime. My husband is still looking for work (ugh)...he's been on tons of interviews and nothing has paid off yet. We're basically saving $1300 (at minimum) per month by living with my parents...it's a nice change. Of course, living with my parents is an adjustment...but it's only temporary and the benefits DEFINITELY outweigh the inconvenience.

I'm actually pleasantly surprised that I've been able to continue with my weight loss given all these stressors I've been dealing with. The old Jenn would have been comfort-eating up a storm!

So today I weighed in and am down 1.5 pounds. That brings my grand total to 34.5 pounds since January 14th. 34.5 pounds!!! I am overjoyed. I now am at my wedding weight. I haven't been this "thin" since 2006. I don't have a "goal weight", but I have a "goal size". I'd really really like to go down 3 or 4 more sizes. But we'll see. :) I'm just enjoying the ride.

I'm including some before and during pictures so that my 1 reader (Hi!) and anyone else who stumbles upon this blog can see my journey so far. I still have a way to go, but I'm feeling more like myself every day.

My mom, my sister & me before my wedding - 2006

Me in Kansas City - 2007

Me & Amelia - Christmas 2009 - Pre-WW


Valentine's Day 2010 - 2 weeks into WW

Mother's Day 2010

Current -34.5 pounds

As a P.S. to this post, I've discovered that I don't have a lot of good pictures of myself. I'm usually the one TAKING the pictures. And, of course, the main star of the pictures is Miss Amelia. Now that I'm feeling better about my body, I'm making a resolve to have my picture taken more often! :)

-18.5

I am only 1.5 pounds away from losing 20 pounds. Kind of shocking. Before I started WW, I thought losing 20 pounds was a mountain too high for me to climb. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been EASY. It just hasn't been impossible.

I gave in and bought some new clothes. It felt really good to have things fit and look pretty good on. There has been a remarkable transformation in my appearance...I LOOK thinner. My face, my stomach (except for that darn extra skin from being pregnant), my legs - EVERYTHING is smaller.

So what did I do this week? I slipped. :( We've eaten out 3 nights this week (I still tried to make somewhat healthy choices, mostly). I dipped into my flex points more than I ever have (I guess the positive is that I haven't used them all). And I haven't been to the gym at all this week. I don't anticipate reaching the 20 pound mark this week.

I'm OK with that, for the most part. I just don't want to GAIN weight.

Oh yeah, and we're going to Florida for 2 weeks one week from today. I'm super excited to go (even though it means 2 weeks with my in laws, but that's a whole other post!), but am concerned about sticking to the plan while on vacation. I have no control over what I will be eating down there. I know, I know, that's not totally true...I CAN control what I put in my mouth. What I mean is that my mother in law will control the grocery shopping and the kitchen. She knows I'm on WW, so I'm really hoping she'll take my needs into consideration.

Overall, I am giving myself permission to be human while on vacation. I am even forgiving myself (in advance) for gaining a little while on vacation.

I guess this will really be a big test for me! :)

Goal!!!

I did it! I reached my 1st (personal) weight loss goal.

I've lost 13 pounds on WW. I am the lightest I've been in 24+ months. It feels great! My clothes aren't fitting (in a good way), and I can really see a difference in my body. BUT the clothes that fit me when I was at this weight before are still too tight, it's a little frustrating. My body just isn't the same since having a baby. I have this lovely skin pooch on my tummy that is preventing my smaller jeans from zipping and buttoning. *Sigh* So I am between sizes.

The most exciting thing for me is that my wedding/engagement rings are sooooooooooooooo close to fitting on my finger again!!! They fit over the knuckle, but not much further. I have been so upset about not being able to wear them for the past 2 years. I had decided to get them resized, figuring my finger would never be small enough again. Now I have complete faith that I will be wearing my wedding set sometime this year!

My next personal goal is 10 pounds. I know at some point the weight won't come off as "easily" as it has been so far, so I'm in no rush to meet this goal. Slow & steady wins the race!

Changes...

I've neglected this blog, yet again.

When I started this blog, I was a newlywed (sort of) who was having trouble conceiving. Then I was a woman having trouble staying pregnant. This was meant to be my place to "talk" to hear my own voice, since I didn't really have any suitable "ears" to listen. When I was pregnant with Amelia, I started a separate blog for our families and intended to use this one to vent. This blog sort of fell to the bottom of my priority list. Last year I had a renewed interest to bitch about the various crappy situations in my life. And then I stopped blogging.

In short, I started this blog to complain. Even though I really never had readers, just getting everything out was supposed to be therapeutic for me. Since I've stopped blogging here, I've experienced more crappy situations. I no longer felt the need to complain, though. I discovered that bitching about things just made me feel worse. I thought that getting everything out would take all the negative out of my head and heart and I could move past things. Quite the contrary, it ended up making it HARDER for me to move on. It was like having a "living" memorial of all the shitty things I've said/done/thought. And I didn't feel better, I felt worse. Bitching doesn't solve anything. If it doesn't make you feel better getting it out there, what's the point?

I'm not big on resolutions, but I made a change of heart and attitude in the new year. I decided to stop taking a passive role in my own life. There are things I'm not happy with, and I need to either accept them or change them. The biggest change is that I'm making myself a priority.

In the past 2 years, I've had a baby and become a part stay at home mom/part work at home mom. I no longer go into an office to work. It's nice, but I work ALL THE TIME. If I'm not working, I'm playing or taking care of Amelia. Then I work some more. Most people get to work set hours and leave work at work, and lead (basically) 2 separate lives - work life, home life. I don't.

I am a mom, wife, attorney...but who AM I??? I've spent the past few years taking care of everyone else that I've lost myself. I realized that it is OK for me to take time for myself without neglecting my family, without feeling guilty. I am important, too. And if I'm not happy with myself, I'm not being the best mother and wife I can be.

I made a commitment to myself...I joined Weight Watchers. I've had several bouts of anorexia throughout my life, but had been gaining steadily since 2002. I gained 27 pounds when I was pregnant, quickly lost it all by 2 weeks post partum, but gained almost all of it back. Alex & I joined a gym, but it was hard for me to find time to go. When I rang in 2010, I immediately cut out regular soda and started making a concious effort to control my portions and eat a little healthier. I also spoke to a dear friend who had super success with Weight Watchers about the program. It sounded like exactly what I needed...I need structure and guidelines.

I lost 10 pounds before starting WW, just by cutting out soda and watching what I eat. Yeah, I guess I drank a lot of soda. I've been on WW for 7 weeks (this upcoming Sunday) and I've lost 10 more. I also go to the gym AT LEAST once a week, mostly 3 times a week. I make myself make time...I deserve it.

Overall, I REALLY like WW. It makes me take responsibility for everything I eat and do. I also like the recipes, and Alex seems to as well. I'm not trying to lose a set amount of weight, I just want to be healthy. And I know losing weight will not solve everything, but it is a start. A BIG start.

So this blog is going to focus on my weight loss journey. And, while I can't guarantee that I won't complain here or there, I will focus on positives. I'm still looking for who I am, but I know being negative is not who I want to be.