Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

The holidays are almost over. Where did the time go?

We had a really nice Christmas. My sister, Kim, was in from NYC for 9 days and we got to spend a lot of time together. Actually, it was the most time we've spent together in years. It was awesome. The Saturday before Christmas, we did the Washburn Family Tradition of doing our shopping. It wasn't as busy and hectic as we expected and we all got the shopping done that day. We spent a few days wrapping and decking the halls, so to speak. Not only were we hosting Christmas Eve at my parents house, we were throwing my cousin a family baby shower. Her little boy will be here by January 15th (her scheduled C-section, but she's already contracting so she'll probably have him earlier).

The shower was a success! They got just about everything else (the big stuff) that they needed. Christmas Eve was really fun. I made a Candy Cane martini which was really yummy. Strong, but delicious! After the family left, we had our Christmas and opened presents. There were so many gifts, and everyone pretty much got more than what they wanted. Among my "favorites" are my jewelry armoire, Trivial Pursuit, books, and DVDs. I now have more books than I know what to do with...I will be reading all year!

Since then, we've just been hanging out. My sister and I saw "Enchanted" while Alex saw "I Am Legend" and then we met up with our cousins at the Mills. We had a good time with them. By the way, "Enchanted" was way better than I expected! Kim flew back to NYC on the 29th and we were all sad to see her go.

So now it's New Year's Eve and we're resting up to have energy for tonight. We're planning to go out to dinner, then head to Ozzie's @ Westport to see my friend's band (Colonel Angus), and then home for drinks and games with the folks. Good times!

Alex & I wish everyone a safe and happy 2008!

New Cycle

73 days. That's how long my last cycle was. Blech. I never thought I'd be this happy to start my period, but 73 days is a flipping long time! I kind of thought that either 1) my body had forgotten how to have a period, or 2) I was going through menopause. Well, I did have night-sweats so I think it's perfectly logical to think I was entering menopause. But, yippee, here I am! It was finally time to break out the maxi pads and tampons I bought 3 months ago. Man, if this keeps up, think of all the money I'll save not having to buy them every month.

I really thought I was pregnant. Our BD-timing ("baby dancing"... a tactful and somewhat barf-inducing way of saying we got it on) was optimal, I had 3 days of really fertile fluid (TMI, I know), and I had all these "symptoms". Most of all, my temps were doing things they'd never done before. My chart was looking too good. And it really didn't look like my period was going to show.

Maybe that's why I had such a calm TWW ("two week wait"--the time between when you ovulate to when you either get your period of find out you're pregnant)...I was pretty darn convinced I was pregnant. Despite all the good "signs" that I could be pregnant, I wasn't really obsessing about them. I just felt at peace with everything. If I was pregnant, awesome. If not, at least the excruciatingly long cycle would be over and I could look forward to trying new things to make my cycle shorter.

So, at least my excruciatingly long cycle is over and I'm looking forward to trying new things to make my cycle shorter. And now I can drink over the holidays!!! Hey, I'm trying to be positive.

I am trying to roll with my calmness and would like it to carry through this cycle. Not just because everyone says if you just relax, you'll get pregnant. God, I hate when people say that! I'm trying to calm down because I'm driving myself (and possibly Alex) crazy. I don't like obsessing about every little symptom and temperature fluctuation. Life right now is stressful enough without making myself feel like I'm less of a woman because I can't get pregnant. And who knows? Maybe I might "relax" and get pregnant.

For now, I'm focusing on other things. Like finding a job. And the holidays. Oh, and my sister comes in from New York on Thursday! We haven't seen each other since August. I can't wait!

As I lay in bed with a heating pad to cut the cramps, I remind myself that I got exactly what I wanted...my long cycle is finally over.

Coming Clean...

Alex and I are trying to get pregnant. We have been since June. Apparently we're not that good at it. It's not going well.

I have a dumb body. I'm not kidding. Name a weird disease and I've probably had it. Remember Rheumatic Fever, the disease that "died out" long ago? Well I had one of the last cases when I was 8. (I do hear that it might be making a comeback now though.) It caused me to get a heart condition. My Senior year at Truman I had the state of Missouri's first confirmed case of the Influenza that subsequently became an epidemic at my school. Haven't had SARS or the Bird Flu yet, but give me time.

When I was 15 I started getting cysts on my ovaries (and they would rupture), so they put me on the pill. I never had regular cycles, even on the pill. I'd get one for almost a whole month and then go 2 months without getting a period. Whatever. It was annoying but it my my life.

A few years ago I started having periods of weight loss followed by weight gains. Anyone who knows me well is aware that I've struggled with Anorexia since I was 12. I've been in recovery since 2001. The weight fluctuations I was experiencing starting in college were NOT related to my eating disorders. I consulted a doctor and I was diagnosed with PCOS--Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. It basically causes all the things that have been wrong with me, and makes it difficult to get pregnant. I never really worried about it, until I decided to try to get pregnant.

I read an amazing book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility, that talks about women's cycles and how to be more in tune with your body. I started using the Fertility Awareness Method (relying on your body's waking temperature and other stuff to figure out when you're most fertile and when you ovulate) and charting. It's been a blessing and a curse. It's comforting to know what your body is doing every day, but it's frustrating at the same time.

In June, I took the few charts I had to my doctor for some guidance. She thought I'd had a missed miscarriage in May. It was kind of a blow to me, because had I not been charting I'd never suspected anything other than a late period was going on. But the silver lining was that I could GET pregnant, I just had to figure out how to STAY pregnant. My doctor also warned me that she basically would not "help" me (by giving me drugs or anything else to get pregnant) until I'd been trying for at least a year. So Alex & I started trying up a storm!

September rolled around and low & behold, I got a BFP (big fat positive) on a HPT (home pregnancy test)!!! I had been testing the whole week and got the BFP on the 7th, Friday morning. I didn't tell Alex because he had told me if I got pregnant he'd want me to surprise him, so I was trying to come up with a cute way to share the news. Saturday morning, before I could tell him, I started bleeding. Heavy. And I bled for days. I miscarried at 5 weeks and 3 days. I was devastated. I still am, to a degree.

What charting has taught me:

• I do ovulate (an occasional cycle without ovulating is normal)
• I [usually] have a clear temperature shift to show that I ovulated
• I have really long cycles
• I have a good luteal phase (the time after you ovulate until you get your next period; you need at least 10 days to implant and get pregnant)
• I can get pregnant

So that's more or less where we are and where we've been. I have good days and I have extremely bad days. Today is a good (mostly) day. Now that I finally wrote about what I've been meaning to and have been putting off since I created this blog, I will talk more about this journey.

If you made it through, thank you for listening.